Random thoughts & fading memories.

I’m still struggling to find my voice with this blog. In general, if I’m being honest. I’ve been trying to get out there and open myself up to new opportunities. Things have started to turn around for the better, and I’m looking forward to the coming months. Just when I start feeling like myself though something shakes me up and I just want to disappear again for a while…

I recently reactivated my social media apps after some much-needed time away. Today something reminded me of my old friend, my ex boyfriend, and I decided to check out his Instagram and see what he was up to. We are no longer following each other on this site so I found his username through an old post of mine, and started browsing. Then the worst thing that could happen, happened. I double tapped one of his pictures. Fuck(!!!), what do I do now? Untap, okay now what? Pretend it didn’t happen? Text him? Hashtag “creeperstatus” under the pic? A flood of emotions hit me so unexpectedly, then I was drowning.

I’ve been trying to stay focused on my goals. Meeting new people, making connections with work, getting out-of-town, and embracing the unknown. I know what I want, and what I deserve but I still find myself thinking about Him. I suppose it’s because I never really got closure from him. I probably never will, and that will become easier to accept as time goes by. I’m tired of time passing me by though. It’s been two months since we broke up, and about a month since our last text exchange. It’s gotten easier, but I still miss him. Even with all of the hurt and unanswered questions, I still miss you O.

You seemed to have picked up your life right where you left off. Didn’t think twice about your decision. You asked a woman to go on a date with you 3 weeks after we broke up. The same woman I had reservations about when we were dating and pressed you about. While that move proved I should always trust my intuition, it still stung. You have nothing to hide apparently, and made it clear that I am no longer apart of your world. I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, but my feelings didn’t matter.

There are moments I still stop and think about you and all of the good times we shared. I woke up the other night from a vivid dream, and you were the star. I didn’t realize how much I missed your laugh and smile until then. The other day someone walked by me in the grocery store and I was caught off guard by their smell. That was your scent. I felt uneasy the rest of the afternoon. I’ve been doing well in school and learning some really fascinating things; you’re still the first person I want to call to share my success stories. I remember the way you would call out my name when you got home from work, and I’d come around the corner for a kiss. My heart would be racing and butterflies would be dancing around in my tummy- so happy, and so oblivious. Songs on the radio break my heart all over again, with thoughts of you by my side. Rad finds at the thrift store or toy shop make me smile, then I realize no one else would appreciate them like you would.

I miss talking to you. I miss the way it felt being in your arms. No one’s gonna love you more than I do.

Stop. Take a deep breath. Remember your self-worth. Remember the way he looked at you when he said he no longer wanted to share his life with you. Everything had changed in an instant. You didn’t matter. Your friendship was over, and you no longer played a part in his story.

I can’t erase you from my memory, but the moments we shared are fading fast. I’m trying to hold on, but I’m not sure to what exactly. The disillusionment of a dream I suppose. Life goes on and I can’t pretend like you didn’t matter. You still do matter. I just have to realize that my own happiness can’t be tied up by loose ends…