Random thoughts & fading memories.

I’m still struggling to find my voice with this blog. In general, if I’m being honest. I’ve been trying to get out there and open myself up to new opportunities. Things have started to turn around for the better, and I’m looking forward to the coming months. Just when I start feeling like myself though something shakes me up and I just want to disappear again for a while…

I recently reactivated my social media apps after some much-needed time away. Today something reminded me of my old friend, my ex boyfriend, and I decided to check out his Instagram and see what he was up to. We are no longer following each other on this site so I found his username through an old post of mine, and started browsing. Then the worst thing that could happen, happened. I double tapped one of his pictures. Fuck(!!!), what do I do now? Untap, okay now what? Pretend it didn’t happen? Text him? Hashtag “creeperstatus” under the pic? A flood of emotions hit me so unexpectedly, then I was drowning.

I’ve been trying to stay focused on my goals. Meeting new people, making connections with work, getting out-of-town, and embracing the unknown. I know what I want, and what I deserve but I still find myself thinking about Him. I suppose it’s because I never really got closure from him. I probably never will, and that will become easier to accept as time goes by. I’m tired of time passing me by though. It’s been two months since we broke up, and about a month since our last text exchange. It’s gotten easier, but I still miss him. Even with all of the hurt and unanswered questions, I still miss you O.

You seemed to have picked up your life right where you left off. Didn’t think twice about your decision. You asked a woman to go on a date with you 3 weeks after we broke up. The same woman I had reservations about when we were dating and pressed you about. While that move proved I should always trust my intuition, it still stung. You have nothing to hide apparently, and made it clear that I am no longer apart of your world. I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, but my feelings didn’t matter.

There are moments I still stop and think about you and all of the good times we shared. I woke up the other night from a vivid dream, and you were the star. I didn’t realize how much I missed your laugh and smile until then. The other day someone walked by me in the grocery store and I was caught off guard by their smell. That was your scent. I felt uneasy the rest of the afternoon. I’ve been doing well in school and learning some really fascinating things; you’re still the first person I want to call to share my success stories. I remember the way you would call out my name when you got home from work, and I’d come around the corner for a kiss. My heart would be racing and butterflies would be dancing around in my tummy- so happy, and so oblivious. Songs on the radio break my heart all over again, with thoughts of you by my side. Rad finds at the thrift store or toy shop make me smile, then I realize no one else would appreciate them like you would.

I miss talking to you. I miss the way it felt being in your arms. No one’s gonna love you more than I do.

Stop. Take a deep breath. Remember your self-worth. Remember the way he looked at you when he said he no longer wanted to share his life with you. Everything had changed in an instant. You didn’t matter. Your friendship was over, and you no longer played a part in his story.

I can’t erase you from my memory, but the moments we shared are fading fast. I’m trying to hold on, but I’m not sure to what exactly. The disillusionment of a dream I suppose. Life goes on and I can’t pretend like you didn’t matter. You still do matter. I just have to realize that my own happiness can’t be tied up by loose ends…


17 thoughts on “Random thoughts & fading memories.

  1. Life is constantly throwing reminders at us; a song, a scent, an old movie. We have to deal with these reminders in our own way. Every time I see my son I think of his mother, not in a longing way, rather the fact that even though we we didn’t work out we have a young adult child we can both be proud of. If not for our brief love he would not be here.
    Eventually, if we allow ourselves, we think less and less about what is lost and focus on the positive results. Time can heal all wounds, if we let it.
    Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are absolutely right. Thank you for your thoughtful and kind comment- it definitely helps bring perspective. I usually try to find the lesson or positive take away from most life experiences, but sometimes certain situations are more apparent than others. Time does heal all. Thanks again for your insight. ☺️

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  2. I know how you feel. Even today at a book store I wanted to send him a picture or even buy a doctor who mug for him. Then I was snapped back to reality. I can’t call him. He is not in your life. He left. He doesn’t care and I just wanted to go home. I was having an ok day. Then at lunch with my friend his name was one of the items, “Ricky’s plate” appeared before me and I wanted to cry. For the life of me I will never understand how some people can so easily throw people they once claimed to love away with such ease. I could never..

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    1. I’m right there with you. It’s getting easier but certain moments still definitely catch you off guard. I could never treat someone that way either and I never will. Keep on doing you- you’ll find someone who appreciates it. I’m keeping the hope alive too. ☺️

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    1. One of my favorite movies is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind not sure if you’ve seen it. It’s such a great portrayal of love & falling out of it. You can’t pick & choose & every relationship teaches you lessons (some more harshly than others). It’s been a rough ride but yes we’ll get through! Definitively becoming stronger & wiser every day! So nice to connect with you. 🙂

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      1. Haha girl I’ve been there with that movie after a bad breakup in my early 20’s. As much as it hurts, there are good & bad parts in any relationship, just have to take away the lessons & be a better person. Totally cool you mentioned me, thanks for the shoutout. 😊

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