Two years ago today we met. It was a sunny, yet chilly Sunday afternoon in downtown San Francisco. We had been exchanging text messages for about a week and seemed to hit it off, so we took the first opportunity we had to meet & see if there was chemistry in person. Our first date lasted about 7 hours. We went on an urban hike throughout various neighborhoods, eating, drinking, laughing, and getting to know one another. We shared our first kiss near the lit up Christmas tree in Union Square. It was magical and so promising, you were a game changer. I knew from that moment on my life would never be the same- I just didn’t realize how significantly I would change in the process.
In June our relationship ended and my never ending summer began. In October we finally spoke and I aired my grievances about the way things ended between us. I’m grateful you gave me the opportunity to speak my mind and let you know how much you hurt me. I don’t think I’ll ever get the closure I deserve, but I’m glad I was able to let you know how I feel. I wanted you to hear me out, take responsibility for your actions, and realize that you don’t treat someone you love the way you treated me.
We continued to keep in touch and message each other from time to time. You would continue to “like” my Instagram posts even though we no longer followed one another. I became very sick with my chronic illness, and you took every opportunity to let me know you were very concerned and wanted nothing more than for me to get better. You would turn hot and cold. Some days you’d message me how much you miss me and how important I was to you. You’d reminisce about the good times we shared and how great the sex was between us. Other times you’d give generic short replies or respond hours later saying you were in the middle of something. You were curious and concerned about the on-goings in my life, yet you would be vague with the details of your own. I started getting that feeling again like when we were together; I was walking around on pins and needles trying to figure you out. All the while I was being my authentic self, seeking out acceptance from someone who already dismissed me with little to no regard.
I had been so vulnerable and expressive with you since we reconnected, but I quickly realized you didn’t deserve to know the intimate details of my life any longer. We would bicker at times, and you’d suggest we take a break from being friends as more time needed to pass.
I went on a solo vacation over Thanksgiving break (7 flights, 6 nights, 5 states), and really used this alone time to reflect on everything going on in my life. I had become pretty seriously ill with my Ulcerative Colitis flare-up and knew that if things didn’t start getting better fast I would end up in the hospital with a grim prognosis. I had started cyber-stalking you, checking your social media pages more than my own. Obsessing over all of your comments, connecting all of the dots, and looking for reasons to hate you. I was putting unnecessary stress on myself when I was in the middle of a fight for my life, whereas added stress had absolutely no business being a part of it. When I returned from my travels I realized that enough is enough. I am still very much in love with you despite all of the hurt you’ve caused, but I have decided to love myself more. I am worth it.
One week ago, after I returned from my travels, I messaged you that I realized you were right- it was probably best if we didn’t talk anymore. We had been trying to rekindle a friendship and you would check up on my health & wellness, and ask how things were going otherwise. I would always politely reply, keep you updated on the ins and outs of my life, and extend you the same courtesy. However, I still had this gnawing ache at the pit of my stomach whenever we talked and knew that I could no longer hold up this facade. It’ll be almost 6 months since you asked me to leave our apartment, and some mornings I wake up and it feels like it was just yesterday. Letting go has to be one of the most heartbreaking experiences I’ve ever had to endure, but it is absolutely necessary.
My quality of life was declining due to my illness, but I realized there were certain stressors I could avoid. I disconnected from you on all social media platforms, explained why we could no longer be a part of each others lives, and made a promise to myself to keep looking forward. We both expressed our love for one another, and you said you wished things were different and you needed me to know that you think about me every day. I shared my usual long-worded sentiments but that’s who I am and I make no apologies. You didn’t fight to keep me in your life, and I am in an actual fight for my life and finally realized I don’t need you anymore. I want to live an extraordinary life, and you don’t deserve to be a part of it.