The clouds cleared & then came clarity.

Yesterday morning I received a text from O letting me know he mailed a package to my grandparent’s house, and to expect its delivery soon. We exchanged a few messages and I was my usual (inordinately) friendly self. I had some prep time at work and found myself daydreaming about the contents of this unexpected package…

What could it be? My birthday had passed and he already sent me a gift. Was he thinking about me? Was it another heartfelt note with something small that reminded him of me? Did he finally realize what he lost and wanted to try and win me over? Was he reaching out and longing to have me in his life again? Is it an airline ticket to go visit him? A planned adventure for us to partake in? A framed picture of a past memory? Does he miss me? Does he still love me?

In between our texts exchange and my package opening he had “liked” an old picture of us on my Instagram page, a social media app we are no longer following each other on. When I arrived at my grandparent’s house last night and saw my package, my heart skipped a beat. I went into the office and anxiously opened it. As soon as I started unraveling the paper covering I realized what it was. He had sent me a mug that I left behind during my expedited departure in June. W T F ?!

Seriously bro? Mementos like that are considered casualties of war, why even bother sending it back to me? He sent me some of my random belongings back in June, so I did not understand his timing. I immediately got upset and sent him some text messages. He could sense my displeasure and offered to talk to me about it. I let him know that he could toss whatever else he finds that belongs to me- it’s just stuff and I don’t need it. He said he was just trying to be thoughtful because I had left in a hurry, and he wasn’t sure if it meant something to me. I let him know that I had no choice in the matter, and he disagreed. There was a lot of back and forth, and we decided to chat on the phone soon as there seemed to be a lot left unsaid.

I felt very vulnerable, angry, and really confused. There I was again acting so incredibly foolish and juvenile by entertaining those thoughts regarding the package. What is wrong with me? How can something so trivial stir up so many feelings? How does he still have such a strong hold on my emotional stability? Why am I still losing sight of my own self-worth whenever I converse with him?

After sitting and pondering for a while I decided to head in early. When I woke up this morning I felt well-rested, and some of my troubling thoughts had cleared. I decided that it was best if we just left things alone as they were and didn’t engage in any further conversation. What’s done is done, and it’s in the past. O already told me he felt like he said everything he could’ve back in June, so I messaged him to forget the whole thing and wished him well. He expressed that whatever I wanted or needed he would be there. He followed up a few hours later with, “Honestly Ash, I hope one day we can be friends/friendly.”

Unfortunately I wish it ended there but it didn’t. I sent him two final lengthy text messages sharing some of my feelings. I let him know that I’m still really hurt by the way things ended between us. I’m bothered by certain actions that took place and words that were exchanged. I wish I could wipe the slate clean, but some feelings have lingered. I ended by letting him know that while I have many mixed feelings about our relationship there were many times he made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

I was both incredibly vague & emphatically heartfelt. I didn’t get a response. I don’t really need one at this point. It’d just be more questions to add to the list anyway. I wonder if he knows what it’s like to feel so broken by someone you loved so sincerely? I’m considering our exchange a slight setback on my journey towards letting go. I don’t think I’ll be hearing from him anymore, and it’s probably for the best. As much as I miss him and the idea of us being friends- I’m still shattered & that’s okay.

I can see clearly now…

7 thoughts on “The clouds cleared & then came clarity.

  1. “I wonder if he knows what it’s like to feel so broken by someone you loved so sincerely?” I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth. I wonder so often what my ex thinks about our situation, and it’s so hard because I have no contact with him at all, so I can’t comment on the fact that yours is in contact with you, but I do feel a lot of what you are saying.

    “How does he still have such a strong hold on my emotional stability?” Once again, exactly how I felt.

    Such a beautifully written post! I do hope that your process of letting go is quick and you come out of the other end stronger for it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s awful the way they keep in touch and try to be ‘friends’ – I don’t think he can know what he’s done to you. If you knew how you had broken a person how could you possibly think you have the right to try and remain in their life? Maybe he just doesn’t want to have to feel guilty over it. Fuck him. He might have treated you like a Queen before but he’s clueless right now and it’s selfish of him not to take a good, hard look at what he’s done, accept responsibility for it and stop playing with your emotions by sending you fucking mugs?! You might have been another fool in love – like the rest of us! – but at least you know yourself and have the strength to leave things alone when he obviously struggles to. Chin up, you’re an inspiration to us other heart-breakees xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you’re totally right- he doesn’t want to feel guilty and says/does little things to keep me within an arm’s reach. Fuck that. It’s still so hurtful even things I see now- his games aren’t fooling me anymore. Actions always speak louder than words. Thanks so much for your support & I’ve said this before but I get so much strength & inspiration from writers like you. So glad to have found your blog- very invigorating.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The feeling’s mutual – when you read about other people experiencing the same shit as you it helps put things in perspective, gain a better insight, so thank you for your honesty! Stay strong xx

        Liked by 2 people

  3. This one sentence really hit home for me “Why am I still losing sight of my own self-worth whenever I converse with him?” I’ve been trying to mend my heart this summer and I’ve come to the realize that no matter what I dream or imagine or feel, I can’t “write” a part for him to play– I only end up disappointed and shattered again. But there is beauty in being shattered because it gives us the clarity to piece together our self-worth and re-create and re-define who we are. Loved your post, thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

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