I went up to Big Bear, CA this past weekend to escape the desert heat and get some fresh air. I thought hiking in the woods and boating on the lake would do me some good. I’d connect with nature and come alive since I had been so down lately. Unfortunately that didn’t exactly go as planned, my thoughts got the best of me and I couldn’t allow my self to feel joy. I came home early because I woke up in the middle of the night having a panic attack and could no longer hold up the façade.
I realized on Sunday that I’ve pushed everyone away because I didn’t want to appear vulnerable. I didn’t want my friends to see me work through all of this pain. I have never felt so alone. I decided to take a summer break from social media but have also stopped returning phone calls or reaching out to good friends. I believed that if He decided I wasn’t enough and wanted out of our relationship, that surely everyone else would eventually feel the same way. I chose to keep people out of the loop and deal with my emotions on my own. Here are some thoughts I scribbled down when I couldn’t sleep and needed to vent…
I’m so afraid of what everyone else will think. I’m so ashamed of where I’m at right now. My mental health is declining and I’m having trouble being consistent with my physical goals. I keep waiting for things to turn around, for the light at the end of the tunnel to appear, but I fear there’s no end in sight.
Since my move back to the desert was unplanned, my last paycheck from the school district was lost in the mail by the USPS after I put in my official change of address. I’m so worried about how I’m going to pay my bills. I’ve worked so hard for so long for everything to just crumble. I don’t need to learn any more lessons the hard way. I’ve been through enough. I’ve had to be strong, but I’m getting tired of fighting. It’s getting harder and harder for me to hide my tears and fake a smile. I crave stability, routine, and for God’s sake laughter. I’m so afraid of letting go now that I hold back on things that give me joy. As if me laughing would show weakness.
I don’t expect everyone to understand what I’m going through, or even to sympathize. I am my own worst enemy, but I am so lost right now and it’s so hard not to lose all hope. I’m about to break and then what would happen? My family doesn’t need to be around someone like me and neither do my friends so I’ve spared them. I’m hurting so much and feel like I can’t breathe.
Sometimes I feel so incredibly overwhelmed by sadness. The intimate moments He and I shared race through my mind. Little details stop and standout. I was so open and vulnerable. I trusted him. Now when I look back I see all the minor things I missed. How hurtful they were and still are. Why wasn’t I able to truly be myself with you? You didn’t love me for me. Not all of me. You chose bits and pieces then you took all of that away with little regard. As if none of it, or I, ever mattered.
My internal light is dim & fading so fast. I’m trying desperately to remember that girl I was before this spiral into sadness. Before I felt like I was drowning. Before I ever needed anyone’s love or reassurance that I was worthwhile. Where has she gone? I know she’s in there somewhere. Please come out and play Ash, you’re needed. You’re worth it. And you’re wonderful…