[Disclaimer and trying to make sense in a nonsensical manner- it was very difficult to put my thoughts into words for this post. I’m juggling so many emotions, memories, and painful realizations all of which compelled me to write, a truly healthy way to cope. I may not sound like the most rational person while in this raw emotional state but I can only be my authentic self, for better or worse…]
It’s been exactly six weeks since O and I parted ways and until this past Friday I thought I was doing relatively well. Allowing myself to mourn the loss of a meaningful relationship, but keeping busy rebuilding my life in the desert.
Then I received a phone call last Friday from one of my closest childhood friends- she was pregnant. She had longed to be a mother, and while this wasn’t exactly planned it was definitely a huge cause for celebration. During our conversation I found myself fighting back tears, and apologizing for awkwardly doing so. Sorry I’m really happy for you…I just…ugh my life sucks right now…that’s wonderful news though, congratulations! We hung up and made plans to see each other over the weekend.
I immediately thought to myself, you asshole. Don’t make everything about you. How could you be so selfish? This is life altering news and all you can think about is yourself?! Really? Yikes…
Yep. Really. This kicked off an emotional breakdown. I lost it. I started hysterically crying, locked myself in my room, and wanted to disappear. I had such a good workout that morning too and was excited for the weekend. Then it all went to shit.
Here I am almost a week later, finally sitting down to write it all out. I’m happy to say I’m doing much better than I was even two days ago, but man did I feel like I took ten steps back. Hearing my friend’s joyous news made me reflect on my life and I only saw the negative. I’m turning 30 in about three weeks and I have never felt so low.
I found myself thinking about my self-worth. Or lack thereof. These past few days all I could focus on were my flaws. I decided to write them out and work through this relapse one thought at a time…
How did I end up here? I gave up a career in banking in one of the greatest cities in the world to go back to school to earn my teaching credential. Not only did I give up my job but my adventurous big city lifestyle as well. Now I am back in the small town I grew up in, staying with family, and living the life of a broke college student. I am pursuing my dream career, an occupation I feel passionate about and believe is my life’s purpose; but all I could think about these past few days is how pathetic I must appear to be to those outside looking in. She’s 30 years old, living at home, working sporadically, and penny pinching.
Thirty day mark. I can’t seem to get over a thirty-day fitness hump. Consistency has always been my downfall when it came to working out, but I was incredibly motivated to make the gym my bitch this summer. I made long and short-term goals and was determined to see them through. I signed up for group training classes, started making dietary changes, tracked every calorie eaten, and recorded every physical exertion. I lost 10lbs this past month and 1.25 inches, but in comparison to the life changes in my friends’ lives this was a big fail. Whoopty fuckin’ doo.
Super-duper single. To say I am heartbroken would simply be an understatement. I lost a great friend, someone who I thought was going to be in my life until the end, and now we’re just strangers who know each others secrets. I still think about him daily, miss the magical moments, but try and remind myself of all the distress signs I missed. You weren’t good enough. No one will ever truly love you because of what you lack. You’re destined to be alone so you might as well get used to it.
Whoa. Those were some heavy thoughts. Once the fog lifted I tried to refocus my energy and be a little kinder to myself. My friends would say one of my greatest qualities is my optimistic attitude, so I tried to re-approach my thinking…
I am well educated, hard working, and pursuing my dream profession. I left a job where I didn’t feel satisfied at the end of the day to work in a field that I truly believe is my calling. I’m taking countless risks, making many sacrifices, all in hopes this will lead to a fulfilling career. At the end of the day, I’m the only person who has to live with my choices. I’m making moves as responsibly as possible, doing extremely well in school, and setting myself up for success. Never give up on your dreams.
Health is wealth. I’ve been overweight for more than half my life, and made a goal for myself on my 29th birthday to be in the best shape of my life (so far) when I turned 30. So far I’ve lost 50lbs in 11 months, and am so close to achieving a milestone fitness goal of mine. I haven’t celebrated how far I’ve come because I never allowed myself to believe it was enough. I still have a long way to go, but I need to realize that no one else did the work for me– I am strong and I am capable of accomplishing whatever goals I set for myself. Just do it.
Having an intimate relationship with me isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. I come from a pretty fucked up background. I’ve had to earn everything in my life. No handouts here. No complaints, but there is definitely baggage. My family can be a little crazy, but we love each other and are good, tenderhearted people. I am always trying to grow, learn from love, and have definitely come a long way. I have to realize that I deserve someone who will love me for exactly who I am. I am worthy of someone’s unconditional love and would make an amazing life partner. I love with my whole heart and need to believe I’m capable of receiving the same in return.
I want to explore some more of these thoughts and feelings but I’ll save that for another post. Cheers to being compassionate to yourself and fighting for your own self-worth. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to turn it all around…