The past is just a story we tell ourselves.
I’ve been seeing this mantra everywhere and repeat it to myself daily. It’s a friendly reminder to help take the edge off. Most of my friends still have no idea how or why things ended so abruptly. Why I left without even so much as a goodbye. Some of them think I’m depressed, or seem very concerned that I don’t want to talk to them about the demise of our relationship. Well not only is it emotionally exhausting to rehash the past but I don’t feel I need to explain myself to everyone. I do know however that keeping it all in is not healthy- so here it goes. All of the things I will never be able to tell you face to face, but I don’t need that closure from you. I’m doing this for myself. Putting it all out into the universe so I can grow and be at peace with my part in this story. There are always two sides, and here’s mine…
I find myself going over and over conversations, locked eye gazes, and misread body language from our time together; desperately trying to figure out when it all went awry. I took everything to heart, convinced myself I was overreacting and out of line. It was all in my head. My problem. You grew tired of all the lengthy discussions, and I don’t blame you.
I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry my insecurities took over and you could read it all over my face. Believe it or not it was an adjustment period for me too. A big life transition, and I was trying to find my footing. Everything had aligned to bring us together and make my move seem like it was meant to be. I don’t consider myself to be a jealous person, but I couldn’t understand why things weren’t adding up. I’m not proud of some of my actions, and I should have been more respectful of your privacy. I take responsibility for the things I did, but you never acknowledged what was really going on. It all fell apart, almost as quickly as it came together.
At times I get so angry, but usually just with myself. How could I have been so blind? Did I have a reason to have such reservations? It appears so. I know you didn’t cheat on me, but I feel very much cheated. I realize you have trouble expressing emotions and I’m on the other end of the spectrum, but you made it very clear you were not happy when I left. You said and did some things I’m not sure I will ever understand.
About a month before it ended you told me one of the reasons you couldn’t commit to me in the past was because you didn’t always find me physically attractive. You thought I was the coolest girl with a pretty face and awesome personality, but wasn’t sure that would be enough. Imagine how that made me feel. Then about a week before it ended you told me that you sometimes only saw me as a friend, the romantic feelings would come and go. Just weeks before those admissions, you told me how crazy in love you were with me. How I was all you could think about, and you were so happy to have found me. You wanted to start our life together, and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. You were persistent, and all in. I hadn’t known about your reluctance in the past, just figured the timing wasn’t right, so I was convinced we had felt the same way about each other.
I noticed you drifting away. Reaching out to other women you didn’t already have an established relationship with. Direct messaging and going out of your way to compliment them. It sounds so juvenile but it still doesn’t make sense to me. Were you trying to make a new friend? Curious? You said one in particular inspired you in some way or another. You said the same about me. Me. You know the person you had invested so much time in, and convinced that by moving in together we’d give our relationship a real chance to thrive. We would share our lives, be partners, and enjoy all the little things that make life worthwhile. You kept giving me reasons to question your motives, but I instead chose to believe I wasn’t enough. I alone needed to right all of the wrongs.
I adored you. I wanted to get to know you, the real you. I was a loyal and true friend, but I question whether the same applies to you. You dismissed me so easily, and with little regard. I felt like an insignificant part of your life, disposable, & easily replaced. You challenged my abilities & chose to magnify my flaws. I sometimes find myself feeling as if I never really knew you at all. The O I know, my friend, would’ve at least attempted to send me away with some dignity intact. You broke down my character and made me feel as though everything we shared was meaningless.
I guess I’m just left with these memories that I’m not even sure played out like I remember them. You didn’t give me a chance to be my best self, because you had already decided that our time together was up. You allowed me to question my own self-worth by only admitting certain truths when they were convenient for you. We once shared an undeniable connection and a love so deep it’s hard to put into words. You made me feel things I had never experienced before and I’m grateful for the amazing adventure. I’ll cherish those moments forever, but you no longer get to be apart of my little world or take stake in my accomplishments. You don’t get to share in the intimate details of my life or discover what makes me tick. You don’t deserve the best parts of me, because in the end you decided I no longer played a part in your story.
We said we would try and remain friends. Someday I hope we can. I truly believe that you’re a good guy and deserve to be happy, but it’s clear now that we weren’t meant to be together. I’ll never forget how you made me believe anything was possible and pushed me to follow my heart. You have inspired me more than you know and I’m sending you love. I believe happiness is a choice, and letting go isn’t easy but it’s necessary. Wishing you the fairytale ending where all your dreams come true…
Ps. Happy birthday babe