One week ago our relationship ended. I packed up my belongings and drove down the 5 and out of your life…
Our first date lasted 7 hours. We met at the Powell St. cable car pick-up and went on an urban hike. Ventured around the city, exchanged stolen glances, and shared our first kiss under the Christmas tree in Union Square. It was magical and full of promise.
The week it ended you told me you sometimes saw me as just a friend. The intense romantic feelings would come and go for you, as they did when we were casually dating. They were fleeting. You looked at me differently. The passion in the bedroom was dwindling, and I lost confidence in my ability to make you happy. There were moments filled with awkward silence, something we had never experienced. The spark between us had vanished and we both agreed true chemistry could not be forced.
There was a beginning and an end. Everything in between doesn’t matter now.
You must be very good with your words. Choosing them carefully and admitting certain truths when it’s convenient for you. You’re even better with your hands and animated expressions. You would smother me with affection and make me feel like I was the prettiest woman on the planet. Level me with the desire in your eyes. Intense and unnerving.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I was so foolish. Believed every word you said. I wish I wasn’t left questioning everything, especially your motives and the connection we once shared. You said you were ready to start our life together. Made promises you couldn’t keep. Allowed me to believe that I was the one for you. We were better together and each others biggest supporter.
You were my friend and I trusted you. Let my guard down, and let you in.
I’m really hurt. Sometimes angry, but mostly disappointed. I wasn’t able to be my best self with you. All of the time and effort we put in to building a solid foundation was meaningless. The love we once shared was lost. You said you liked* me and would always care about me. We would try and remain friends, but could no longer be together.
You said you had unrealistic expectations. You also once said I could count on you, and that you wanted to take care of me. You said no one ever made you feel as loved as I did, or gave you such unwavering devotion and a lust for life. We became strangers sharing the same living space. It wasn’t easy for either of us, but facing the realization that all of our hopes, plans, and dreams together had come to an end was devastating.
I left at dawn. We gave each other one final embrace and kissed goodbye. You said you wished I didn’t have to leave. I find myself wishing we would’ve just remained friends who never took that next step. Imagining what life would be like if I was asking myself ‘what if’ instead of now wondering ‘how come’. I will always love you, but I have to let you go. You helped make me who I am and I’m grateful for that. Now I know the kind of love we shared exists, and I’ll carry that optimism with me always…