Let’s get this out of the way early…I am currently on the mend from a breakup and will probably post quite often about it in the next few days, weeks, heaven forbid months. We met in San Francisco a year and a half ago via OkCupid and started an on-again/off-again relationship. From the very beginning we had an irrefutable connection, no one ever made me feel the way he did, and I felt so strongly that we were meant to be in each others lives. By the end of last year I had moved to southern California, went back to grad school, became seriously ill, and wasn’t really on speaking terms with this rad dude from The Bay.
His visit last Fall was so built up that it came crashing down. My insecurities were high as well as my uncertainties, and our pre-holiday get together turned into an awkward weekend encounter. Why wasn’t I able to be myself with him? We were texting everyday, Skyped or talked on the phone for hours a few times a week, and sent old fashion snail mail/mixed CD’s via USPS to show how important we were to one another. We (mostly I) aired our grievances and decided to take a break from our friendship.
All the while my illness became quite serious and I found myself in and out of the hospital. As much as I missed him, I was focusing on getting my health insurance in order so I could figure out what was going on with me. After the new year he started to text/check-in on me to see how I was doing. I would lie or be short and wish him well. When he learned how sick I was via Instagram he started being more persistent about keeping in touch, and I decided to open up because I knew he truly cared. He had become one of my closest friends and I missed talking to him about anything and everything, so we picked up right where we left off.
In February I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, an auto-immune disease, which has changed my life drastically in a short period of time. Once the docs figured out what was wrong with me and put me on some super strong drugs I suddenly felt alive again. I had this wonderful person in my life who had been so supportive and uplifting during a very dark and confusing period of my life. I had to drop out of school for a session to focus on my health, but he was there encouraging me to stay focused and get back on track to continue pursuing my goals. I didn’t necessarily have a near-death experience, but it sure felt like one. I was invigorated, ambitious, hopeful for a future as bright and shining as all the stars in the sky and couldn’t wait to share my life with him. He felt the same way and we officially became a couple over a Valentine’s weekend visit.
We were so hopeful and optimistic for a future together. I called him my dream dude, and I was everything he ever wanted in a girl. Once my check-ups proved that my health was stable we made plans to move in together. Big deal alert. I made a spontaneous weekend visit to the East Bay, spent my spring break at his place, and set everything in motion to start our life together. It was all so exciting, scary, unlike anything either of us had ever done before but we were taking a chance on love.
So here I am, back in the desert of southern California. Our joint venture together only lasted a little over two months. How quickly things came together and how terribly fast they fell apart. What went wrong? That’s a pretty loaded question and something I will be exploring with my writing. The timing wasn’t right- I keep telling myself. But will it ever be? I’m not so sure. We ended things as friends, which is how it all began. Oh how I will miss those long conversations & whimsical adventures together, but more than that I will miss the idealistic views exchanged between two friends…